


What You're Feeling is Probably Normal

by Finny3120



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Protective May Parker (Spider-Man), Protective Tony Stark, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Loves Peter Parker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-24 23:46:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30080175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finny3120/pseuds/Finny3120
Summary: “Could you give Peter the sex talk?”He cocked his head. “I’m sorry, what?”“I know, I know,” she groaned. “But you’re- and don’t freak out about this Tony, please- you’re the closest thing he has to a male figure in his life and he loves you- no, don’t give me that- and I’m worried Tony.”(May asks Tony a favor and it goes about as well as can be expected)
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 14
Kudos: 205





	What You're Feeling is Probably Normal

Tony was just beginning to think about going to bed when he got a text from May asking if she could call him. He hit call before thinking about it, his heartbeat starting to pick up with anticipatory worry. “Hey, May, what’s up? The kid okay?” he asked.

She laughed. “Yes, he’s fine, Tony. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

“Oh, I never worry,” he lied. She made a scoffing noise on her end that indicated she didn’t believe him and he couldn’t help but smile. “So to what do I owe the pleasure of a call from May Parker at almost 1 in the morning? Thinking of me?”

“Yeah, you wish,” she shot back at him wryly. “I just got off of work and I know you never sleep, which you really should work on, by the way…”

This must be where Peter got his rambling. Tony had never met a Parker who could keep a conversation running smoothly on the tracks. “May, is there something I can do for you?”

“Oh! Sorry, yeah.” He could hear the sound of a door closing and then an engine starting. She must have been getting into her car. “Well, yeah, I was wondering if you could do me a favor Tony.” She sounded nervous.

“What is it?” he asked suspiciously. Getting into his elevator, he punched the button for his floor and then bounced impatiently on the balls of his feet.

“Could you give Peter the sex talk?”

He cocked his head. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I know, I know,” she groaned. “But you’re- and don’t freak out about this Tony, please- you’re the closest thing he has to a male figure in his life and he loves you- no, don’t give me that- and I’m worried Tony.”

Tony felt like his brain had been lit on fire just about the time that she had said Peter loved him and now he felt like he couldn’t adequately form sentences. “Me? May, I’m like the worst influence- wait. Why are you worried?”

“I mean, I guess no reason in particular, but he’s just 16 now Tony. And I want him to be able to talk to someone if he has questions.”

“16’s not old,” Tony said brusquely. “Peter’s basically an infant, he doesn’t want to have sex...”

“What were you thinking of when you were 16?” she retorted. He considered it for all of thirty seconds and groaned. She lowered her voice sympathetically. “For what it’s worth, I think you’d do a good job, Tony.”

“I’m sorry, you never told me you were blind, deaf, and dumb in the early 2000s.”

May laughed. “At least I know you’re speaking from experience.”

“I’m going to tell him the wrong thing.”

“You won’t. And I’m taking this as a yes, that you will come talk to him.” He groaned but assented. May’s outpouring of gratitude took some of his reluctance away, though he still privately felt she had made a terrible mistake. 

As she drove home, she told him about a horribly funny case that had come through the emergency room that night and he told her about some research he was doing around clean energy. Climbing into his bed, he propped the phone up between his ear and the pillow. It was only when he could hear that May had gotten home and was discarding her work items that they hung up and, when he was almost asleep, that he realized they had reluctantly become friends.

“Friday? Order me some books about talking to teenagers about this kind of stuff. Sex, puberty… maybe mental health too…”

“Can do, Boss. I’ll look for parenting books that are relevant.”

He lifted his head off the pillow one more time. “Parenting books?”

“Generally books about sexual education, puberty, and mental health fall under the category of parenting books,” she said wryly.

“Hm, don’t like that. These are mentoring subjects.” She was silent. Rolling over on his side, he felt himself drifting off to sleep surprisingly quickly. It was like floating in a pool… Closing his eyes, he idly wondered what it would have been like to have really been Peter’s dad instead of whatever this was. He had a feeling he’d had this dream before. Peter probably wouldn’t have turned out so good…

And that’s how he ended up in the Parker apartment a few days later. May downright pushed him into Peter’s room and then shut the door behind him. He wouldn’t have been surprised if she had locked him in.

“Hey, Mr. Stark. May says you’re buying dinner tonight?” Peter said, looking up from something he was working on at his desk.

Tony sniffed, slipping on an air of nonchalance. “That’s right, kid. I would never pass up an opportunity to embarrass you with Aunt Hottie in person.”

Peter paused, then seemed to decide it wasn’t worth the fight. “Is Aunt May ready now? I can work on this later.” He began to shove the project indecorously into a bin.

“She’s- ah- not quite ready yet. Also, your project storage leaves something to be desired. Nah, listen Pete. May wanted me to talk to you.” Dragging over a spare chair, he turned it around and sat on it backwards. There. A nice little barrier between him and the kid since it was apparently going to be impossible to back out of this conversation at this point.

Peter paused in the act of sweeping off the top of his desk. “May wanted you to talk to me about something? What?”

“Well, Mr. Parker, as you ceaselessly remind me, you are getting older and we felt that it would be good for you to have some basic knowledge and parameters around the more adult nature of your body.”

Peter cut across his nervous rambling. “Wait, she wants you to have the sex talk with me?” he asked incredulously. “Why you?”

“That’s what I said,” he hissed, “she was insistent.” In a louder voice, Tony said, “I know I can’t take the place of your parents or Ben, but I do care about you, kid, and I just want you to be safe and happy.”

“What’s with the two volumes of your voice thing?” Peter whispered.

“Listen,” Tony was back to whispering. “I’m a terrible person to have this kind of conversation with you. Let me pretend to have ‘the conversation’ with you-” he used air quotes liberally- “and then we’ll go out and get pizza or whatever it is your black little heart desires…”

“This is really unnecessary, I already know about sex.”

“Your body is changing and growing- wait, what do you think you know about sex?” Half intrigued, and half horrified, Tony spun around on the chair to face Peter, who had flopped facedown on his bed. 

“Nothing… nothing…” Peter mumbled into the mattress.

“Well then you really do need this talk,” Tony muttered, patting him on the back of the head. Reaching into his suit, he pulled out several note cards. “As I said before you so rudely interrupted, your body is changing and growing. It’s a confusing time in any-”

“Wait, Mr. Stark,” Peter whispered. “I do have some questions.”

“What are you doing? Stick to the script. Puberty is hell,” he said loudly. “It’s natural to compare yourself to others, but I just want you to know Pete that no matter what you end up looking like, your body is your body and that’s good enough.”

Peter waved his hand in front of him as if he could flap away the embarrassment. “I’m satisfied with my dick size. You don’t have to make it sound like I have some gherkin sized prick.”

“You Jews and your colorful descriptors,” Tony deadpanned. “I’m happy for you. Let’s not talk specifics. This is weird enough.”

“See there’s this guy in my AP Chem class,” Peter said, cutting across him as if he hadn’t spoken. Rude, Tony thought. “He started having sex at 13. I’m 3 years older than him now and I don’t even-,” he gestured expansively.

“You don’t want to,” Tony guessed hopefully.

“No, I do, but-,” Tony’s heart clenched painfully and he dramatically began to massage his left arm, quirking his eyebrow at Peter and indicating that he should finish the sentence, and fast. “I do, but I don’t.”

“Let’s focus on why you don’t want to.”

Peter blushed a vibrant pink, but Tony gave him credit- he looked him in the eye. “I’m nervous.”

“Understandable.” Peter gave him a look like he thought Tony was teasing him and Tony felt bad; he hadn’t been. “Generally when you push yourself to do something before you’re ready, you’re going to feel nervous,” he pointed out. “When you’re ready to do something, you might still be nervous. But you’ll be more excited than nervous.”

“Are you trying to convince me to wait?” Peter asked curiously.

“Why would I do that?” Tony fixed his cufflinks, carefully avoiding Peter’s brown Bambi eyes.

Peter ducked his head so that he could catch the man’s eyes. “I think you like me,” he said cheerfully.

“Unfounded.”

“Can I ask you something else, Mr. Stark?”

“You have already asked me too many things. I’m going to send you an invoice. The post office being what it is these days, expect it in 5 to 7 business days. We should have already been done by now.” Peter waited quietly, watching him. Tony sighed. “Yes, Mr. Parker, what is your question?”

“When did you start having sex?”

Tony squinted, looking somewhere over Peter’s shoulder at a map that seemed to have come from the Hobbit. And May was worried this one was going to laid, he scoffed to himself. ‘When did he first start having sex?’ he wondered. “I was 15,” he said finally. He pointed at the teen in front of him. “Remember our conversation about you being better than me? This is where that comes in.”

“Were you in love?”

He sighed. “No, bud, I don’t even remember this girl’s name.”

Peter’s look of pure confusion was worth more than gold to him. Bless him, the teen seemed to be completely mystified by the concept of unattached sex. He decided he might as well go all in. “I was a sophomore at MIT. Rhodey brought me to a frat party and I got pretty drunk. I don’t even remember most of what happened.”

Peter opened and closed his mouth. “Ask away, Pete,” Tony said, feeling tired. He knew Pete had at least half a dozen questions and was just afraid of offending him at this point.

“Did you like that?”

Tony shrugged. “Sex feels good, but meaningless sex… it’s kind of sad, Pete. You could just as easily masturbate and miss risking venereal diseases.”

“Ugh, Mr. Stark!”

“Good, good, that’s very believable. Let’s get this back on track. Hmm,” he hummed loudly, trying to think of what all those books he had read had said. Having read three, he thought he’d have retained something… 

“Do you think I’m kind of lame cause I don’t want to have sex right now?” Peter interrupted, his leg bouncing.

“What? No.” Grabbing the foot that was closest to him, he gave it a squeeze. “I want you to wait until it’s exciting for you Pete. That should be right around your 30th birthday. “ Peter giggled at that. He tapped the foot thoughtfully and let go. “We are going to get you some stuff, Pete. Just in case.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“Condoms, lube, etc. I’d rather you have it. I’m not going to have to teach you how to put on condoms, am I?”

“I think I’d rather die,” Peter mumbled.

“Pinch the tip and roll it up, bud. That’s really all you have to know.”

Peter made an expression of such abject disgust that Tony couldn’t help but laugh at him. Shoving his leg over, he sat down at the head of the bed, leaning against the baseboard. “I just want you to be safe.”

“Because you love me,” he teased.

Tony was quiet. “I do,” he agreed. “Anything else you want to ask me, Pete? I’m vulnerable now.”

Peter shook his head, smiling rather shyly. “I would never take advantage of you when you’re vulnerable.”

Tony snorted. Tugging on his arm, he pulled him into an upright seated position. “Oh, kid, you’re going to do just fine some day.” Before he could think too much about it, he wrapped his arms around Peter’s shoulders and squeezed him tightly. “Let’s go see what Aunt Hottie wants for dinner.”


End file.
